Thursday, October 7, 2010


Hey all

I promise to get this little site together and make it worth your while to come and visit. 

We talk a lot about depression...of course we do...this is what our community is about.  And if you come to my blog it is probably because you are a fellow depression sufferer.  Here I can get a little more personal and get deeper into things.

One of the core ways which I have found to combat my depression is to know my values.  I think a lot of times we get out of sorts because we are living a life which is not congruent with who we are or what we value and cherish.  And sometimes this is very hard to walk the walk.  Sometimes life is easier if we ignore things like integrity in our daily life.

Yet a simple life...of living true to yourself...can be that road towards peace, serenity, and loving yourself.

Sometimes I get so disillusioned.  It seems so many people are about ego and promoting themselves and creating this facade to cover up the fact that they are so empty inside.  The fakers take away from what is real in life...real caring...real compassion...and real community.

I guess my childhood experiences have made me this way.  Growing up in the inner city...with a mom who could not take care of herself due to her mental illness...let alone me...I learned early on to judge people not by what they say but by what they do.  I watched very carefully as some people would say they cared...but then do nothing to help or even cause more harm.  I carry that baggage with me.  But in some ways it has taught me some very valuable lessons.  I have learned a lot about trust and how very special it is when you can find those special people in your life to trust.

My bullshit detector is very strong and actually very good.  One way I have kept my sanity all these years is to listen to my gut about people.  So many times in life we don't listen to that gut feeling and then we pay the price.  I know I have.

I hope you learn easier than I have about who to trust and would give anything to turn back time and never have come into contact with the person. If only this were possible.


  1. Growing up, and even as an adult, I had great problems recognizing the disconnect between what people said and what they did. What they said was what mattered to me, oddly enough. I hated them for what they did, but as long as what they said was what I wanted to hear, I ignored the other. Words would "make it all right."

    My dad was a very strange man. It is hard to know if what I remember is fairly accurate, because it doesn't mesh with the memories of other family members. I remember him as mean-spirited, bigoted, critical, disapproving, cruel, and very remote. Mom always said he got this from his parents, i.e., it was "the way he was raised." Like that is a perfectly good excuse for all the scary things he did.

    The problem was, his words sounded well-intended. Like, "I want to take the family out to California for a vacation so we can have some fun and enjoy the scenery. You kids need to see what this country looks like." So my sister and I got all excited...every time a vacation was announced. At least the first time or two. One vacation from Texas up to Alberta, Canada was the four of us in the front seat of a standard pickup. We were warned ahead of time by Mom (the Mediator) to be quiet and not bother Daddy while he was trying to drive. Well, the whole trip WAS him driving. Or him having a terrible migraine with the 4 of us in a small, dark motel room wondering when the fun was going to start. Or him strung out on prescription pain meds. All my memories of the vacations center around whatever was going on with my dad. Usually bad stuff. We never really got to see much of the landmarks like the Grand Canyon (which we stopped at for maybe 15 minutes.) Or the saguaro deserts in Arizona which enthralled me. It was DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE to the next hotel where we would hole up in the dark again while Daddy had his migraines. Doesn't sound like much fun for him, either, does it?

    Anyway, back to the words making everything all right, Mother would explain everything to us on the side. Dad only had 15% of his hearing which also impacted family trips. So Mom would say, "Your dad has been working so hard; your dad has these migraines all the time; your dad didn't really mean what he said; we'll have fun tomorrow." And I tried to reconcile that with what I could see.

    Maybe that's when the dissociation and depression began. While trying to sort out which adult was telling the truth and which was lying, and whether they even KNEW they were lying. It was so much easier just to go off by myself and try not to be any part of it. So the word "love" meant nothing. Love and lies somehow became intertwined. And I married someone just like my dad, only worse. I never wanted any children.

  2. Hi Donna

    Sounds like your mom was definitely covering for your dad. It must have been a very confusing experience for you...especially as a child. It is something to go over those childhood memories as an adult and think...hey...something just doesn't seem right.

    What do you take away from this early experience now...when you make a new friend or begin a new relationship? Have these experiences made you far more cautious?

    There is something called "double bind messages" which is a dysfunctional system of communication. If you had this sort of communication system going on when you were a child it can really mess you up later.

    Here is some information about double binds from an article in the journal of Existential Psychology and Psychotherapy:

    Double Binds[]=119&path[]=web

    "Laing hypothesized that double binds exist when parents put their children in no-win situations. Often times parents make statements such as “Go to bed, you are tired,” “Put on your coat, you are cold,” or “Eat your supper, you are hungry.” On the surface, these statements seem to reflect parental love and concern, but surreptitiously, these statements imply that an outsider (i.e., the parent) is better equipped than the child to identify feelings and/or bodily sensations (Monte, 2005; Page, 1998). Double bind communication conveys multiple meanings, contains a covert threat, and does not allow the child or adolescent an escape route (Monte, 2005). Laing postulated that this type of disturbed communication (i.e., saying one thing and meaning another) forces the child to accept the all-powerful parent’s perception of reality, and in doing so, blocks the formation of the authentic self (1982)."

    I am really glad you stopped by to comment. When I get back in town I am going to be writing more here. I hope others can join us in our discussion.

    Thanks Donna!

  3. Hey MM! Great Blog! I love what you wrote. "Yet a simple life...of living true to yourself...can be that road towards peace, serenity, and loving yourself." What a perfect and well written statement. We should all live by this. I wish everyone would. It would make the world a much better and happier place.
    I also have a very good BS Detector. We have had years and years to practice and learn this from very small children. It works so well sometimes, for me, that it keeps me from ingaging with others at work and etc. Because I know who the fakers are and I really don't want to associate with them. Why would we want to?
    Good luck with the new blog! Hope you get to feeling better. I completely understand the feeling small thing. I can relate to that very well. I often feel this way too. Be good to yourself and give yourself time to relax and enjoy. Take care. Rena :)

  4. Now, after all these years, it is easier to spot people who are not sincere in their words or intentions. And I avoid them like the plague. Has that made dating or making friends any easier? It has made it easier to find the "right" kind of person to date or to make friends with. And it has become tons easier to decide whether I want to stay in a relationship. I see absolutely no use in staying in any kind of relationship (whether dating or friendship) in which I feel uncomfortable most of the time. Yes, it is easier just to avoid all comers, but I don't do that. My main problem right now is allowing myself to be loved without suspecting that something is wrong, i.e., if they do love me, what is the catch? In a way, you do have to earn trust and respect, but you also have to come to the point where you accept that you are already past that stage of the relationship and can wade on in to deeper waters.